Sunday, 20 March 2011

Driving Force

   My family and friends would probably say that the driving force of my life is their happiness. I always try to do what makes them happy.For my parents, i always try to earn high grades in school. But, I fail miserably and i don't meet their expectations. For my friends, I always try my best to do what they ask me to do. If they ask me to help set up tables for a party, I would set the tables and do other things that are required before they ask me to do so.
   But what I want my driving force to be is for myself. I want to do things that will keep me satisfied and not have to meet the expectations that other people have set for me.
My expectations are high enough for me. Sure, I want high grades and all, but as long as i don't fail, then it's good enough for me. I don't HAVE to be at the top of my class. I don't HAVE to get in the high 80's and 90's.
    But my parents have higher expectations than I do. They want me to ace all of my classes and not get below an 80. Even though I do try, I never get those grades. Then my parents talk about how they wish I would study harder and be the type of child who studies until vomiting seems imminent (although I highly doubt that can happen). But if they lowered they're standards, then maybe they can start being happy that I'm reaching the standards that they have set for me. And if I get a score above their expectations, then they can jump for joy. But no... they want to keep the standards above a 90 when all I can reach is 85 at best. Then they get all pissed off and scold me again. All of it just makes me want to stop trying.
   I can't remember the last time I got above an 80 as my overall average. All I remember is studying until I feel like I'm about to go insane. But although I study for that long, I still can't score above an 80, let alone a 90. If I study until I go insane and still not get the grades, then I definitely wont do so if I study less. But everyone keeps thinking that i can do better: that I can excel in all my classes. But then I don't, get yelled, and get assigned more time dedicated to studying. Then after all of that, my peers expect that I will do better than i did. But then, I fail again. Then they all get frustrated at me and I'm frowned upon again.